top of page

The Road to Gratitude with a Detour through Guilt and Shame.

Updated: Jan 28, 2022

๐‘ฐ ๐’˜๐’‚๐’” ๐’‚ "๐’‘๐’“๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’†๐’ˆ๐’†๐’…" ๐’ƒ๐’๐’‚๐’„๐’Œ ๐’Œ๐’Š๐’…...

If that could be a thing I would have to say my childhood was privileged.

If that could be a thing I would have to say my childhood was โ€œprivilegedโ€œ. I grew up in a home with both parents(although their dynamic was deeply flawed) a swimming pool in the back yard, cats and dogs, neighborhood friends both black and white. I attended both private and public school and was able to take music lessons, dance lessons, gymnastics, martial arts, swimming and ice & roller skating lessons. We even took horseback riding lessons which was when we learned that I am severly allergic to horses... I was also in girl scouts, church choir and band, a member of Jack and Jill of America, Inc., an AKA-dette and a debutante. I attended science camp, church camp, dance camp, YMCA camp, went on family and group vacations on spring break and skiing and sledding at time shares in the winter. I even went to modeling school and had my first credit card by age 14.

...because of my moms desire to create a world of beauty, luxury, culture and opulence for her family... A life she did not experience herself growing up in Chicago.

To say the least, my mom kept us active and busy and we were never without. Common folk would have called us spoiled and truth be told we were brats and therefore were right to be called spoiled. Because my mom set her kids up to succeed by providing us with a quality of life that was not meant for #Black people to experience. She sacrificed a lot to create this reality and it only took me a lifetime to TRULY understand the magnitude of the labor of love she gifted us for decades. Even now as I write this post I am blown away by the โ€œprivilegesโ€œ I have been afforded knowing that my childhood bestfriend was on welfare and their father was in and out of jail. We took them EVERYWHERE with us though and my mom paid most times using her teacher's salary...

I have to say that if anyone ever dare think Black women are anything less than magical SUPERHEROES who will move heaven and earth for their beloveds then they need to be stopped and set straight IMMEDIATELY. Now on mother's day weekend as I look at this display from the original #playboyclub resort and country club, I am reminded of all the beauty I experienced throughout my childhood. An experience afforded to me because of my moms desire to create a world of beauty, luxury, culture and opulence for her family... A life she did not experience herself growing up in #Chicago.

I have realized by not celebrating them I have reduced them to being almost meaningless to my spirit...

Queen of Wands from the Next World Tarot deck.

I decided to write this post so I can begin to celebrate my life experiences in real time. This means releasing the shame weโ€™ve been conditioned to hold because of the unfortunate experiences others may have had which most times are racially influenced. Because I realized by not celebrating them I have reduced them to being almost meaningless to my spirit and therefore unable to show full gratitude for the value they bring to my life. But, I was also hurting and thwarting my parents with the eventual ungrateful behavior and attitudes I exhibited, because my dears gratitude IS character building.

That cycle ends now.

Why? Because I believe I did myself and my parents a grave disservice by trying to be something I was not in order to be accepted when what I should have be doing was finding MY people, MY community and leaving the rest behind. I mean I really loved the experiences I had, but felt bad at the same time for having them. I know now just how blessed I am to have childhood friends who loved me then AND now WITHOUT jealousy and resentment for what I did not choose for myself (or for what I do choose now for that matter). I am also blessed to have new #adult friends who celebrate the person I am becoming because of my upbringing and lived experiences and empower me to stand in my full WOMBmanness and BLACKness, friends who encourage me to release all shame and guilt.

I stand now as the Queen of Wands. Just as she, I align myself with my truth through my art, herbal work and to be honest my throat chakra. I am embracing the magic of my ancestors and blessings of God almighty. I am allowing myself to shine as I heal each wound through the wisdom I gain from each life experience. Never in my life have I felt more freedom and I want it for all of you too!

Here's the prompt.

Below are some questions I have consciously and unconscoiously been asking myself. As well, some of these questions were also posed to my class recently by our mentor. Read them and take note on which of them speak to you.

*Are you celebrating your wins?

*Are you broadcasting your losses?

*Which feels SAFER for you to talk about?

*Are you surrounded by people who uplift and encourage you or discourage and/or demean you?

*Are you happy with who you are today?

*Do YOU like YOU?

*Do you see your future and does it inspire you?

*If your future or present circumstance do not inspire you, what are you ACTIVELY doing to shift the narrative?

*Are you in control of your life or do you let others control or manipulate you?

*Do you try to control / manipulate others?

*Do you experience shame and if so where do you feel it in your body in this moment?

PAUSE. Take a deep breath.

*What is the ROOT of the shame and how do you begin (or continue) to release it?

*Do you have hopes and dreams and if so are you pursuing them?

*If you are not what is truly stopping you?

*What fears are you holding on to and how are they stopping you from the freedom you desire?

*What is your most traumatic experience and how does it show up in your life today?

*Do you believe traumatic experiences are all big & debilitating or can they also be microaggression sized traumas that pile?

*Is your daily walk a walk IN your trauma or is it a victory walk because you are ACTIVELY healing your traumas?

*What does forgiveness LOOK and FEEL like to you?

*Who do you need to forgive and who out there needs to forgive you?

*What does being healed look like or mean to you?

*Are you feeling triggered right now? If so, then that means your spirit has been touched and there is healing work to do. If not then perhaps you are already doing the work or maybe you are not ready yet to begin and need more self-care support.

These questions are a few from a long list to start or continue your shadow work and some DEEP introspection.

The road to healing is not meant to be easy, its hard, emotional and triggering BUT it is the KEY to #joy, #love and #abundance.

I encourage you to start journaling with a few of these questions that stood out or hit home for you and see where it takes you.

Keep in mind sometimes we dream our healing work and so be sure to keep a journal by your bedside if you desire to do dreamwork.

I find it helpful to go for a walk in nature, sit in nature, guided meditation, or even listen to specific music when doing this work. Try some things and see what helps you to ground and explore. And donโ€™t forget to cleanse and self-care after your healing work.

If you are in need of #support I am here for you.

If you are interested in herbal support check out the apothecary or message me for your specific needs.

Dont be afraid to ask, we make custom products for clients all the time.

If you enjoyed this post, then donโ€™t forget to ๐’„๐’๐’Ž๐’Ž๐’†๐’๐’•, ๐’๐’Š๐’Œ๐’† ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐‘บ๐‘ฏ๐‘จ๐‘น๐‘ฌ!

Happy Healing!

Until next time,

Lea Afia Tutu

Information offered on Toussaint Tinctures websites is for educational purposes only. Toussaint Tinctures makes neither medical claim, nor intends to diagnose or treat medical conditions. Links to external sites are for informational purposes only. Toussaint Tinctures neither endorses them nor is in any way responsible for their content. Readers must do their own research concerning the safety, contraindications and usage of any herbs or supplements.

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page